Friday, June 17, 2016

Give it all

This post is very close to my heart. Initially I thought I should write about us, about women, about appreciating being a woman! However every time I post a pic or a staus, many like them, few comment on them and few even text me to say they are happy for me and  how perfect my life is.

Well sorry to burst the bubble, my life has never been perfect. Yes, I have been on exotic holidays, moved abroad, dress up everyday as if I am will be walking on the ramp any moment. But, its not hunky dory life.

Apart from my childhood, which I would say was no less than nightmares at times, it contributed to what I am today. No, I wouldn't discuss my trauma and attribute everything to it and cry my heart out. My hardship days as a kid was a reason I wanted to be a strong headed woman, yes I did attempt and I am still not sure if I ever could be tagged under that title.

Before you start pitying, I should tell you guys that majority of my friends have been through a phase which would be termed traumatic and unfair for a child to go through. Trust me, none of us brood over those days, in fact we laugh it out and say Oh God, let me try to be a good parent by avoiding such situations to our kids to recall. (Each parent hopes for it and I am sure my parents would have tried their best)

Coming to present day, I have my days where I have cried straight 12 hrs, I have tried to kill self, I have laid on bed for hours wondering why few people are so cheerful (Thanks to social media) while I sulk in my misery. I have a record of breaking utensils, phones and snapping at a drop of a hat. Next day I would probably post a pic with my daughter being all cheerful, where I am genuinely happy. (As if the previous day never happened, I wont remember why I did or what I did at times)

All I got to say is, don't compare your life with anyone over the mere social status/pictures/posts and loathe in self misery. We all have our battles to fight, I have struggled but I know I am working towards it. I wouldn't say its a condition/disease to fight depression.

Honestly I have no reason to be depressed if I had to pinpoint. The last time I cried for a reason was when I wanted to embrace motherhood and mother nature had other plans for me. Post natal depression is common (Yes its real), however I escaped it and got trapped in an internal fight with my own self.

For all those who asked me how I remain so cheerful all the time while I cook, work, travel and be a mother, guess what, I am not what you just see in my profile. Nevertheless my each posts and status are the moments where I am genuinely happy and celebrating life. Just that when I am depressed, I try to stay away, I would have my husband trying to comfort me to understand how I could start loving myself. At times I would have my daughter peeking into the room, watching me sob and ask her father, is mommy not well? My heart goes out to her, I would still remain immobile.

Being a wife is easier than being a mother, you are a wife to a grown man who can fend himself if need arises, whereas being a mother, you are responsible to make someone's life who is looking up to you. The reasons for depression, honestly there may not be one. At present I cant pinpoint what hits me. Earlier I listed being homesick, career, finance as aspects leading to self pity, but its not. I worked on each item on list and I still at times fall back to self misery. At my best, I do commend on achieving what I had intended in life, at my worst I hardly appreciate the people who would go that extra mile to help me recover.

The reason I decided to write this is to let people know, life appears to be perfect until you start living in their shoes (No walking a mile wont help). I am working hard to not fall back to times where I had no control on the emotional state I drowned in, irritated, moody, withdrawn or even suicidal. Thanks to my husband who goes through all this with me, but gives it all to pull me back to life. I am blessed to have few friends who have seen me through this and have given great support in working out to make my life better. After all these years I do have to say I have worked hard on it, long way to go but proud of how a little help from loved ones has helped me to fight it.

P.S A psychological study even proves, sharing joyous posts on social media also helps your mental health. Don't jump to judge those who share their joys which may be as simple as painting nails. You don't have to be sympathetic to strangers but you can always provide the empathy to a fellow human being.