Today it wasn't different when I stepped out with my 2.5yr old daughter to watch Bajrangi Bhaijaan. Both of us are on paracetamol for 3days now and running with 102 degrees fever, guess the Fan Thing started with me ecstatic every time I saw Salman on screen and now Sia can't hold back her excitement of watching him on screen.
Past few weeks/months I am still trying to cope with changes in life, I draw support from family and friends whom I left behind 1000s of miles behind. These days I break down at a drop of a pin, I can't stop complaining about every small issue which also includes the unpredictable rain of Dublin!
Bajrangi Bhaijaan just got me nostalgic of what mattered the most for me couple of years back. I could trade my whole happiness for the experience of motherhood.
Married at 23, I wanted nothing but being a mother at 24. I have no subtle way to put across how torturous my obsession had been on my family and friends. My health refused to give up to my wish while I battled the agony of even spotting childrena' clothing line in a shopping mall. I could sob for hours at the mall, break down every time I saw a woman begging while she tied a baby to her waist. I only had 1 question, why not me??
I wouldn't call myself religious, I still quote the reason of psychological than religion when people ask why I don't try meat. I don't preach religion, nor do I judgle people on caste.
This has been my opinion since childhood, hence the belief of Mannat applied to every shrine across, from Tirupathi, Mantralaya, kukke, Ajmer Dargah, Haji Ali or St Philomenas church. I did not miss even one asking for my wish to be granted.
I am educated, I believe in science. I believe in scientific reason justifying the religious practices, however a belief which keeps you going, which lets you live with hope can't be harmful.
My Mannat across all the above shrines was the belief/faith in a magical wand that would go round and make my wish come true kind.
There was no other joy I wanted. Most of them felt pity, while few suggested adoption. It's not just the kid in my life that mattered, I wanted to experience the precious 9 months of creating a human inside my womb. I did not give up. My family, my husband, my in laws watched me go crazy at times when I broke down and yet supported me to stay strong.. My inability made me more guilty of the void in my life.
It all seems a distant past now when I see Sia sitting next to me and shouts 'mamma Salman Khan'. I suddenly realised how did I stop living the joy I wished for constantly across all this shrines. How did the biggest joy of my life took a backseat while I started cribbing on mere issues of life.
Guess it's time to be grateful, for the n number mannats which fortunately co incided with my health to make my wish come true, thankful to all those who stood by me during my worst and continue to wish for my best.
Small joys are meant to be cherished while being grateful to the joy which was unexpectedly thrown at you.
A revelation indeed!